Today I give my first oral presentation of the new semester. I walk into class noticing the professor hasn’t arrived yet. Maybe she won't come in today, I think hopefully. The feeling fades quickly since I know that I'll have to get this presentation done sooner or later if I want a good grade. I need to get over my fear of public speaking! I mean, what kind of future teacher is afraid of speaking to a group of people? (I would have to disagree though with people who don’t realize that talking to a group of young children is completely different from talking to peers). Plus, I worked hard on my presentation, so I do want to show that through my speaking, and being nervous won't help with my confidence. And besides, it could go just like I rehearsed at home. I can pretend I am talking to myself or in front of a mirror instead of 20+ pairs of eyes. One might think that with all these thought in my head justifying the need to conquer my fear, I would get motivated and calm my nerves, but it's just not that easy for me.
I sense myself getting nervous as the professor finally walks into class. My leg starts shaking up and down, making it obvious that I am feeling uneasy to anyone that notices. As she goes over the plans for the day, I feel my hands get clammy and I try to wipe them down on a clean tissue. When she finally asks who will present first, my hand automatically shoots up. I am sitting at the edge of my chair, like I am about to jump out of a jack-in-the-box. I convince myself to go first. I read somewhere that people tend to remember the first and last thing said better than what comes in the middle, like phone numbers. So why not make my presentation memorable by going first and getting it over with? Then I can relax the rest of the class period.
As the professor gets the computer ready for me, I look around the room at my classmates. Bad mistake. It's like looking down a cliff if you are afraid of heights. Being a quiet student and usually not one to talk much in a big classroom setting to draw attention to myself, I am suddenly reminded of all those people who look at me like I'm an outsider. Like I don’t know much or any English, have an accent, or will do something crazy. Of course these aren't true and now I can prove it to them! I open up my presentation and start with the first slide. Within the first few seconds, I feel my throat get dry as if I've been in the desert. I should have brought up my water bottle with me.I stutter my words a bit like this is the first time I'm seeing my own presentation and start tapping my feet behind the computer stand. As you probably can tell, those first few minutes weren't good, but by the time I got to my 4th slide, I somehow got comfortable in front of the class. Yeah, I spoke a little too fast, but I think I did a lot better than what could have been a nervous breakdown. And although I didn’t get an applause, my presentation grade (an A) made up for all that.
Reflecting on my recent experience giving an oral presentation is new for me. I never wrote about it, nor have I really discussed it, but this made me think of my behavior when I'm on edge. Some people are completely fine speaking in front of a crowd after they get used to it, but I'm sure I'm not the only one still afraid of public speaking, so others can probably relate. I don’t recall noticing nervousness in others as they speak in front of a lot of people, but if I could look at myself give a presentation, I'd probably see the panic in my own face. Maybe others don’t notice it because for me to even say much in class is a surprise, but once I get comfortable around people, I open up pretty easily. Like I previously mentioned, I know I need to get over this fear and of course I'd prefer sooner than later.
For the people who look at me like an outsider mainly because of the way I dress, I use oral presentations as an opportunity for them to get to know me better. Peers could easily catch on that I'm a "normal" human being and I don’t go around doing crazy, dangerous things. I remember last semester I began an oral presentation with a question to the class to get them involved and get an idea of what they think. I shouldn’t have been surprised that not one person out of 20-30 in the room volunteered to make an educated guess, like they were afraid I was going to hurt them for answering my question. The silence was awkward and I hope this doesn’t happen to me as a future teacher. Now that I think about it, I understand how teachers/ professors feel when students don’t answer their questions either.
How exactly do I know that people think I have an accent or don’t understand English? Classmates back in elementary and middle school would talk to me and some other Asian students in an Indian accent thinking it was funny. I am not Indian, nor do I find it amusing making fun of the way people talk. Plus, it's infuriating that some people have the nerve to think it is "okay" to make fun of me and make assumptions about me and my life, but if I was to do the same to them, I would be considered "intolerant". How hypocritical?!
There were also a number of ignorant people in my high school who were bold enough to say things to me as if I didn’t understand their rude comments. Of course I did understand them, but they were troublemakers and I didn't want to make a big deal, so I ignored them. There was a time though when I didn’t ignore one kid. In an art class back in my senior year, the teacher was absent so a random student came into class to "hangout" with his friends. My friend and I were talking in English of course and this kid just came over and stood by us listening to us talk. Suddenly, this boy just starts talking in a made up language, as if he was imitating us. I don’t think I have an accent when I talk in English, but my friend does. I wasn’t going to single her out, so I said to him that we don’t sound like that. He gave his friends, who burst out laughing like this was funny and not rude, a good laugh and left us alone. What else could me and my friend do, so we just left it at that.
These and many more experiences of being looked at like I'm weird or don’t belong, has helped me grow a "thicker skin" in the sense that I'm use to them and it doesn’t bother me as much as they used to. Of course I would prefer people to at least respect me the way I do to them even if they don’t like me for some reason or find faults in the way I choose to live my life. So far college life has been smooth sailing thank God, so I haven't had to deal with obvious verbal humiliation or anything. And although I would prefer to sit quietly in class and get my college education, oral presentations get me out of my comfort zone and helps me and others learn.
